i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
