At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
