I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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