I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
