does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
