wrigley field is MILF paradise
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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