We're like a lot better than the average bears
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
