be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
