i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
