Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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