need another drink. this is the easiest way
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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