Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
