2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
