he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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