Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
