I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
