hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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