I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
