god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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