like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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