so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
