I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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