I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
