My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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