My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
