The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
