Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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