i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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