An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I wear drunk well.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
