i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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