So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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