ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
