I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My breasts were aching with rage.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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