i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
