Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
