Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
