I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
