holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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