so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
