Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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