**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
