I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
