Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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