I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.