Yo dont text me then not text me
if only i could text you this smell
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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