Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
