You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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