She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
