I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
