in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
