i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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