Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
