if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
