I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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