so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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