dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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