His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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